September 5, 2003

Dear Diary,

The strangest thing has happened:  We're rich.

Giles' lawyer in England phoned him and said that an  American lawyer had called him about his client Anya Jenkins.  She'd left instructions that when she died she wanted Giles to be in charge of her estate.

We all knew that Anya liked money, but no one had any idea that she actually had money.  Not to mention, stocks and stuff like that.  And she left all of it to us - Buffy, Giles, Willow, Xander and me.

I know I should be happy but right now all I feel is guilty.

I don't think any of us tried very hard to understand Anya.  She was part of the gang, but not part of the gang - if you know what I mean.  Maybe Giles understood more than the rest of us.  I guess sometimes he felt the same way.  He always treated her nice anyway.

But even before Xander scorned her (Anya, that word's for you!) and left her at the altar, I used to wonder if he really liked her that much.  Sometimes I wondered what they had in common except they both liked sex...and everyone KNEW that's what they both really liked, it was kind of gross that they were always doing it and talking about it.  But other than that...I mean, he said he loved her, right?  So why was he constantly trying to change her when the changes were for him not for her.  It wasn't like he was asking her to give up smoking because it wasn't good for her or something like that.  He just wanted her to be different so she'd fit in better and wouldn't embarrass him.

I guess maybe that's why he looked like someone had punched him in the stomach when Giles read Anya's will.

Buffy and Willow and I didn't treat her very nice either. Buffy mostly ignored her but Willow was always saying things that she knew Anya wouldn't understand and I stole stuff from her.  But even after we did all that she still stayed and fought because she knew it was the right thing to do.  And then she leaves all her money to us.

If we were her friends I'd hate to think what her enemies were like.

I think I'm going to lay down for a while. I don't feel very good.

More later.

(Lessa gave me this tarot card, and I'm putting it here in honor of Anya.  It's the death card, yeah, but Lessa said it rarely signifies physical death.  It means change, the beginning of a new life, the end of something old and the start of something new.  That's what Anya's given us--a new life.  And I think, maybe, she would have liked the dragon, too.)