August 6th, 2003

I'm free.

For the first time in years, I feel freedom but it is not what I thought it would be.

My body is weak and suffers still from the withdrawals. I hustled some pills from the local pharmacist. He wasn't familiar with the exact prescription but he supplied me with an alternative. I take them but they don't do much more than make me queasy and unable to eat. Meditation helps at times but the pain can be just as unshakable as I am. It doesn't matter. Something much more important happened today that nearly makes up for all the hurt.

I cast a spell.

It was the first in over two years and it was supremely pathetic. I was barely able to light the wick of a candle. But when that pale spark ignited and the flame came alive, it was glorious and I felt the stir of magicks I'd secreted away from those military types. They hadn't won, damn them. For all the experiments and data extracted from me... they never took what was mine.

I am a mere reflection of what I was, dear boy. I would hate for you to see me like this. It was the simplest of castings and it drained me of all my strength and concentration. I know it will come back to me in time, the magicks. But I fear I don't have the patience for waiting. I crave revenge and it is a powerful motivator. I need power and energy and I need it quickly.

An old associate in Las Vegas directed me to a warlock who specializes in anti-luck glamours for the casinos. I hope to trade some odd jobs for a little boost.

How the mighty have fallen. Who'd have thought Ethan Rayne would be turning tricks for petty spoils? At least at this age.

What a way to revisit my tainted youth.