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December 20, 2002
I appoint Mr. Rupert Giles, of Bath, England as the Executor of my estate and holdings. The way I see it, he’s the only one with enough sense to not spend all the money in a frivolous and unwise way. To Rupert Giles, of Bath, England, I leave any remaining shares of the Magic Box, of which he was a not so silent partner. Since the Magic Box was destroyed by Willow’s temper tantrum last year, I leave Giles any remaining insurance money that has not been invested in the rebuilding of the store. I also leave Giles any of my possessions that survive the most recent apocalypse, what ever it was, to be distributed as he sees fit. Except for my money, I’ve decided who should have my money. To Rupert Giles, I leave the contents of the bank account at the Grand Cayman Island Bank, account #69875421. I made this money day trading on the internet, buying and selling stocks in companies that made little plastic keys for computer keyboards and things like that. Giles may use the money however he sees fit, with the condition that he uses the money to visit Sunnydale at least twice a year. If Sunnydale no longer exists, then Giles needs to go wherever it is that Xander and the others are. Xander missed him a lot when he didn’t visit, and it’s obvious that the rest of them need serious guidance. To Buffy Summers, Dawn Summers and Willow Rosenberg, I leave the contents of my Swiss bank account. The account is through the National Bank of Switzerland, account #540004597854, because I don’t trust that shifty man at Sunnydale National Bank. He turned down Buffy even after she saved him from the M’Fashnik demon. The money will be split between them in the following manner: Buffy Summers gets 40% because she saves the world all the time, and really shouldn’t have to work at a burger place just to make a living. Dawn Summers also gets 40% because despite the fact she used to be a big ball of green energy, she’s a nice girl and needs pretty things. Besides, maybe now she won’t shoplift from innocent business owners just trying to make a living. As for Willow Rosenberg, she only gets 20%. She could’ve had more, but she destroyed the Magic Box and I had to use some of the money to pay bills. So, I took it out of her share. The money should be overseen by Giles, because it’s obvious that neither Buffy, Dawn or Willow have any money sense between them. Just look at the whole fiasco with the bills last year. To Alexander Harris, I leave the pension that my former boss, D’Hoffryn gave me upon becoming a demon that would be distributed upon my death or retirement. Since I didn’t actually retire, but was forced into mortal form by the alternate universe Giles, D’Hoffryn wouldn’t pay out the pension until I died. The pension consists of several contracts for peoples soul’s (very lucrative if sold back to the owner) , several ancient artifacts and charms useful for calling upon various kinds of demons. However, knowing D’Hoffryn, he won’t want to give these to a mortal, so tell him you’ll take cash instead. Tell him you won’t take less than $100,000. It’s only worth $65,000 but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know that. Xander, make sure you have Giles do all the talking otherwise you’re sure to say something stupid and end up as a lizard or something. Willow Rosenberg should be able to easily perform the chant to call D’Hoffryn, but remember, no one but Giles should do any talking. To be split equally between Giles, Buffy, Dawn, Xander and Willow, are the contents of a safety deposit box in the Bank of America in Los Angeles, California. Don’t ask where the cash came from. It’s better that you don’t know. According to my lawyer, I’m supposed to tell you that Giles should pay any medical bills and taxes that are due upon my death. Personally, I don’t see why the government should get any of my money, but the lawyer says it’s a law. It’s a stupid law if you ask me.
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